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Cliff - do you know? when we kiss I actually think I hear bells ringing. Barbara - maybe that's because you're pushing me against the doorbell Cliff Cliff - oh! Barbara - hello Mother Cliff - Hi Misses Romano what are you doing? Romano - Same as you Cliff, just getting the old blood racing. Romano - Julie! that is obscene. I have been working out, dieting, keeping in shape and you are sitting there feeding one end, and sitting on the other. you have any idea what you are doing to your body? Julie - yeah, I just lost three pounds. Romano - Julie! shut up! Julie - I didn't know Barbara could hold her breath that long. Romano - Only with Cliff Randall. Barbara exhale! Nobody has held to kiss that long since you and Johnny Granger locked braces. Barbara - Just saying goodbye to Cliff. Julie - I thought you guys had a date Barbara - yeah well, He'll be back. He went to get a quart of oil Romano - That's big goodbye was to go get a quart of oil? Julie - These are uncertain times mother Barbara - I think I'll go brush my hair. Cliff? Romano - Right it's probably just the doorbell you got it all worked up Julie - Oh! I forgot, that's probably Sally Chadwick she phoned she's in town. Romano - No kidding Sally what a terrific surprise! Barbara - I haven't heard from her in over a year Romano - I haven't seen her since we left Logan's Port Sally - Barbara!! Barbara - Sally!! what are you been up to? Barbara - I think I know what you've been up to. Barbar - Come on in. Sally - Hi Miss Romano, Hi you Julie Julie - Sally!! you got married. Sally - Now why would I do a thing like that? Barbara - You're not married? Sally - No!! Barbara - You don't have a... Sally = No!! Barbara - You just Sally - Right! Barbara - Congratulations!! I think. well here's old Sally and a new baby. isn't that terrific? Julie - So Sally! Romano - So Sally! that's a baby Julie - Oh yeah that's a baby all right, is that a baby? Last time I saw you you were into Ceramics. Romano - No there... Sally - Michael. Romano - Michael. Barbara - Oh!! He's adorable. Romano - oh I'd love to. than, well... Michael you certainly are a big surprise to us. Sally - that's exactly what my parents said. Barbara - Sally! How did it happen? Sally - Oh! it's the usual way. Julie - know he looks a little like Frankie Mendoza Romnano - Julie! Julie - Carl Slattery Barbara - Sally! this is a bit of a surprise, I mean I never thought you had gone with anybody. Sally - well it wasn't anything serious. Romano - Well I must say Sally your attitude is very... interesting. Julie - Yeah! you seem so up. Sally - Well why shouldn't I be. I mean Michael is fantastic, just look at him Barbara - Oh! yeah he's adorable. Makes you kind of want one Romano - uh Barbara. Sally - I thought about putting him up for adoption, in fact the whole thing was planned but... I just can't do it. oh no. Romano - Sally! tell me something um what did your folks have to say Sally - well uh my mom cried Julie - and your dad? Sally - He cried louder. I mean they try to help and understand but... what why should they pay for my mistake? So here we are Mikey and me. It's sort of an adventure Romano - Sally Uh Barbara - Oh Ma isn't he darling. Romano - Yeah yeah he certainly is. Julie - He looks like a young alucino Schneider - People juming that all the time Romaono - Schneider we're talking about the baby Schneider - the what? Romano - Baby Schneider - the Ba. Little Bambino. Bargbara - Schneider this is Sally Chadwick and Michael Schneider - Michael is he yours Sally - mmju, Schneider - you're not much bigger than him yourself how are you there how you there Mike how are you K I see you k k can You See Me little hair wrestler you look at him D little boy you got there Sally - thank you Schneider - yeah look at his shoulders on him looks like a linebacker. Julie - Bronco Wilson Romano - Julie! Schneider - what does your husband do? what is he an athlete? Romano - uh! Schneider. did you come in here for a reason. Schneider - oh! yeah I went to bring brought up your Mar you got some bills there and mail and got a postcard from uh I see I can't who is that from I can't... Romano - Goodbye Schneir - that's okay listen! I got a I got a baseball bat down in my room. I know the kid's kind of small but before you know it he'd be out there hitting fungal with his own man. Barbara - Schneider Schneider - My own man and me we were really close. I used to go to the park with him every Sunday. We'd play hide-and seek. sometimes I couldn't find him for hours you know! heartwarming you know. I really miss my own man. I haven't seen him in a long time. he's dead. I remember I promised him, I'd go visit the grave every once in a while you know! put a little beer in the flower cup. Romano - why' you go do that? Schneider - keeps the snails away you know I tell you family is the backbone of America. Sally put it there kid. hey!! a married woman! should have a ring you tell your hubby to save up and buy your ring know I mean symbols symbols are very important: tool belt plumber, ring married woman, lock privacy. Romano - goodbye Schneider - Schneider Barbara - Sally Schneider well he tends to be a little Romano- much Sally - yeah it's okay. Barbara - I'm used to it going to go back to school Sally - well how can I? mean I I've got to support Mikey. Besides I wouldn't fit in anymore anyway. I mean uh Three's a Crowd on a date right? Julie - yeah I guess it's a little hard to get into disco when you're changing diapers. Sally - I just hope I'm doing the right thing for Mikey Barbara - Sally if it'll make you feel any better I think you are I mean after all you're his mother and it's his life. Sally - right it's his life, but what about my life? I mean I'm only 17. I was going to be the first woman in my family to pass the bar and now I can't even finish High School. Romano - oh! Sally come on, sit down honey, come on Sally - I mean I don't have a high school diploma so I can't get a decent job and I I can't support Mikey but I can't give him up and I'm trapped Barbra - oh Sally it's going to be okay. Julie - Sally uh what about Michael's father? Sally - what about him? while I'm trying to raise a child he's trying to get his varsity letter in track. Barbara - Guys!! why can't they get pregnant once in a while. Sally - The guy did what he thought was right. He he offered to pay for an abortion but I couldn't go through with it and then he started talking about marriage me. why make one more mistake? we decided that adoption was the best thing but once I saw Mikey and I couldn't do it. He has no idea I kept the baby. Julie - oh you didn't tell him? Sally - well no. I didn't want to bring him into it again. I mean this was my decision. I've got to do it on my own. Romano - Sally look um if we could do anything please, you know. Sally - well I've I've got a job interview in a few minutes and I can't walk in with Michael. would you mind.. Romano - of course we' be glad to look after him I'm a little rusty but I still think I can figure out which end is which although I've never had a boy Sally - well for your own protection just make sure you keep the diaper over Romano - yes I've heard about that. Sally - well there plenty of diapers in there and and some toys Barbara - what about food? Sally - oh he's breastfed. Romano - don't look at me. Sally - it's all right I just fed him. Besides I won't be gone that long it's just a couple of blocks. Barbara - oh great this will be fun I can play with him, Julie can sing him to sleep and Mom can change him. Romano - I thought you had a date. Barbara - oh yeah right. Sally I got to get ready but well I won't be very long and don't leave until we can have a nice talk okay! Sally - okay. Barbara - good luck with the interview. Sally - thanks good luck with the date Barbara - see you later. Sally - well I guess I better go Romano - good luck Sally - thanks. Julie - Willie Frell Sally - Julie quit guessing I'm sure it's nobody you know, just a guy I met last summer at the lake. His name's Cliff Randall. Romano - Oh my God, Cliff!! what are we going to say to Barbara? Julie - what's Barbara going to say to Cliff? Romano - I just can't believe this Cliff!! Barbara - what can't you believe about cliff? hello!! what's the matter? what happened? did he did he have an accident? Romano - no no honey there's nothing wrong with Cliff... physically. Julie - that's for sure. Romano - you see what we were trying to say was that we we couldn't believe that Cliff. Julie - likes you more than his car. I mean all of his ex-girlfriends can't believe that he likes you more than a Chevy Barbara - well that's not true and anyway how many girls know Cliff better than I do? Julie - one Romano - at least. oh God if Sally comes back here when Cliff is here this whole thing is going to blow up Barbara will be hurt. she's got to know. Julie - Ma we should have told her Romano - maybe Cliff should tell her Julie - oh yeah well who's going to tell Cliff? Romano - any way you look at it it's a mess Julie - yes Ma you know it is amazing how many young girls don't know the score would you remind me to appreciate you Romano - why? Julie - well at least you talk to us girls don't do it but if you do here's how Romano - I don't think that was quite my message. don't shake hands with him. Cliff - Hi Misses Romano. Hi Julie. what's the matter what' I do? Julie - nothing!! Cliff - look is uh Barbera ready yet? Romano - uh almost Cliff - good it always makes me nervous when a chick is late. hey!! a baby where'd you come from? Romano - ah Cliff we're just babysitting his mother's an old friend of Barbara's is. Cliff - Anybody I know? Julie - well in the biblical sense. Cliff - hey you're cute little dude aren't you. hey do you know there's something about this kid? I mean for a baby he's actually kind of handsome you know what is his name? what's the matter doesn't he have name. Romano - Cliff his name is Michael. Cliff - Hi Michael Romano - Chadwick Cliff - Chadwick? Julie - Chadwick as in Sally Chadwick. Cliff - Sally Chadwick it can't be a I mean uh hey Chadwrick it's it's a great name it's a good sound you know uh listen uh could could you tell Barbara that I have to um I got to go fix my carburetor. Romano - We know. Cliff - Sally told? Romano - you not on purpose it just slipped out. Cliff - oh it can't be it she told me she was going to put him up for adoption it just can't be. Romano -can and it is Sally decided to keep the baby Julie - and Sally just happens to be an old friend of Barbara's Cliff - oh my God Barbara she knows Romano - no, she doesn't know. That's where you come in. Cliff - Misses Romana, I give you my word. I give you my word. all this happened before I ever a dated Barbara. how can I tell her? Romano - very carefully. Barbara - Hi Cliff. did you meet Michael? Cliff - yeah!! Barbara - isn't he adorable? Cliff - well he's, uh yeah! Barbara - don't you just wish he was yours. Cliff - uh Barbara I I think that Cliff wants to talk to you alone uh Julie let's go to the den. Julie - oh okay. Mom Romano - yeah! Julie - we don't have a den Romano - then they should reduce our rent Barbara - what do you want to talk about Cliff - well it's about. uh Michael, Michael in life. Barbara - life? Cliff - Barbara look your mom, clued me in about uh Michael's mother. Barbara - Sally Cliff - Sally right right um anyway I I think you and I ought to have a talk about Sally and her problem Barbara - you want to help Sally? Cliff - I think it's the least I could do Barbara - oh Cliff oh Cliff that is so sweet. I mean it's nice to know that not every guy is like the stupid nerd who father this little kid. Cliff - Barbara maybe the guy isn't all that bad. Barbara - well I think you should have married Sally. Cliff - look what if Sally doesn't want to marry the stupid nerd. I I mean the guy look. uh you know uh a million teenage girls get pregnant every year Barabara - well someone's awfully busy out there Cliff - what I'm trying to say is sometimes you just don't expect it so you don't plan and it and it just happens Barbar - what are you getting at? Cliff - Sally and me, we met at a party last summer. Barbara - you know Sally? Cliff - I did. Barbara um Michael isn't just Sally's baby he's mine too. Barbara - you're.. Cliff - the father, right. oh bar Barbara Barbara wait Barbara Barbara. Romana - see, No not now! Not now! Cliff - Misses Romana I've got to talk to her. Romana - I know... but let her let it sink in a little bit okay? come on! take it easy. Schneider - at Schneider original. Julie - it's it's lovely Schneider Schneider - I just up my th together it for Mike you know kind of a portable mobile what you might call a mobile mobile we'll put it right there for the kid Romano - huh Schneider thank you but I really don't think this is a good time. Barbara - get out! get out! just leave me alone I don't I I just never want to see you again just Schneider - well now wait a second I know it's not the greatest thing in the world Barbara - Schneider I'm sorry. I didn't mean you Cliff - Barbara please I've got to talk to you Barbara - Cliff I don't really. what is this stupid thing? Schneider - not a stupid thing this is a your allpurpose baby Entertainer it's got a feather for tickling a pan for banging a a glove hair for teething it's got a sponge for squeezing it's she even got a horn for room service a Cliff - Schneider, Schneider not now Romano - really Schneider you know maybe when you get it patented would be a real good well Schneider - I mean you haven't you haven't really seen everything I mean you know it's got got a bubble machine darling it is it's maybe I'll get the American flag on furling in the Bree Cliff - Please look I am sorry. you will never know how sorry I am. I made a mistake, a big mistake, but I tried to make it right. I thought the baby had been adopted. Barara please I had to go on living. Barbara - why? Romano - Ok. Cliff - Misses Romano look I I want you to know one thing I never tried anything with Barbara. Barbara - well why not? what's the matter with me? you never tried anything with me cuz you had all those others Cliff - well what others? Barbara - I thought you were being Noble you weren't being Noble you were just exhausted. Romano - Barbara my God stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself it is not your trouble. Cliff has a problem and Sally has a problem Julie - wait a second guys this little one here is the one with the problem that matters. Cliff - Barara look. I I know how you feel... okay I don't know how you feel but you don't know how I feel now maybe nobody knows how anybody feels. Barbara - Cliff I'm not in the mood for your philosophy. I'm not in the mood for anything you have to say anymore. Romana - Why? Barbara - Are you defending him? Romana - Just giving him a chance. Cliff - and I just want to give him a chance. I've got to talk to Sally Barbara - oh Lord Cliff - look! you want the truth? you want to know how I really feel? if I could get out of it I would part of me says run split she kept it let her take care of it but the rest of me just can't do that. I've got a kid me an 18-year-old jerk still in high school all of a sudden I've got a big responsibility and I don't know what to do. Romano - if that is Bubbles again I will scream Sally - look I didn't get the job. Cliff - Sally, hi! Sally - Cliff Cliff - uh I met Michael I know Sally - but how did you find me Romana - uh Sally Barbara and Cliff have been dating some coincidence. Sally - huh Jefferson hi right I never thought of that Cliff - Sally look I thought we agreed to put him up for adoption Sally - I know. I couldn't. Cliff - I know he looks like a great kid I guess I'll uh I I'll try to help you out I'll um I'll quit High School I get a job or something Sally - I'll try it just like I did it's always the same. Sorry kid you need a high school diploma. how can you raise a baby with no job, no money no future? Cliff - it it's different for a guy. I I could I could do construction work. I I could be a bus boy. Sally - it's no good Cliff. it can't work at least not for me. I mean what can either of us do for Michael I can't support him I I can't give him the security of a real family so let's give him the one thing we can a chance at a normal life with parents who can take good care of him Cliff - you want to put him up for adoption Sally - I think we should Cliff - Michael uh deserves the best Sally -well I phoned my folks and uh they're going to come pick us up I guess I better wait downstairs. Cliff - oh wait um uh goodbye Michael good luck. Bye Sally Romano - good goodbye Sal. take good care would you. keep in touch promise Sally - I will all right oh I'll keep the elevator bye baby Romano - oh Cliff. I wish there was something brilliant I could say Cliff - you know for the rest of my life I'm going to know somewhere out there I've got a kid and I'm never going to know what he looks like and I'm never going to know what happens to him and I'm never going to know who he is Romano - I know. I know.